


i've been waiting my whole life to know i wanted you

by knoxoursavior



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 15:14:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17562887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knoxoursavior/pseuds/knoxoursavior
Summary: Yut-lung falls in love.





	i've been waiting my whole life to know i wanted you

Yut-lung falls in love.

His heart hammers on and his cheeks warm and his hands shake. He can’t  _ think _ these days, can’t muster up the energy to do anything but freeze and let himself be consumed by this feeling in his chest that he’s let go unnamed for so long. 

But, of course, it can’t be as simple as that.

Yut-lung doesn’t fall in love with someone easy, or someone within his reach. Instead, he falls in love with the one person in this entire world entitled to hate him, the one person in this entire world he’s wronged the most.

He falls in love with Eiji Okumura.

  
  
  


It isn’t Sing’s fault, except that it  _ is _ , a little.

Because Sing is just as in love with Eiji as Yut-lung as, if not more. Because it’s Sing’s words that help Yut-lung see Eiji in another light, Sing’s stories that help dissolve the steel wall between them, Sing’s efforts that actually bring them closer together.

Because it’s Sing who gives Yut-lung the opportunity to bathe in Eiji’s warmth, in his ceaseless, limitless light.

  
  
  


It creeps up on Yut-lung, so slow and so careful in its takeover of his heart that he doesn’t notice it until it has already barricaded itself from any and every attempt to drain it away to nothing.

He realizes it on a rainy Sunday night, when Eiji has a crease between his eyebrows and his hand on Yut-lung’s shoulder, holding him back.

“Do you really have to leave?” he’s saying. “You could just stay here until the weather clears up.”

Yut-lung’s eyes keep straying to the downward curve of Eiji’s lips and he doesn’t know why.

“I have to work,” he says, but there’s no conviction in it, nothing that won’t crumble with another couple of words from Eiji.

“It’s the weekend,” Eiji says. His lips press together in what Yut-lung has learned is his way of keeping his thoughts off his expression. “Even Sing isn’t working.”

“Hm.” Yut-lung can’t think, can’t seem to make his usually quick wit rescue him from falling into this hole he’s tripped into. “Maybe you just think he isn’t working.”

“Well, all the better. If you stay, you can tell me if he  _ is  _ sneaking in some work and we’ll make him stop together,” Eiji says, and there’s something in his tone, in the way his eyes crinkle and his cheeks dimple just slightly that makes Yut-lung feel like they’re sharing a secret, even though—

“I can hear you plotting, you know,” Sing says, and  _ ah _ , right. Yut-lung has almost forgotten that he’s been standing behind Eiji the whole time.

Eiji reaches behind him, doesn’t even have to turn around and look for his hand to find Sing’s mouth.

“What do you say?” Eiji asks, ignoring how Sing is all but screaming into his palm, and Yut-lung—

Well, Yut-lung finds himself out of his depth in the face of Eiji’s big, hopeful eyes and small, warm smile.

He’s never found it hard to refuse people. He’s never found it hard to walk away. After all, he’s never had any reason to feel like he’d be better off doing otherwise. But today, he looks at Eiji and can’t find it in himself to say no.

“Alright,” he says. “Only until the rain stops.”

“Only until the rain stops,” Eiji agrees.

His smile is as bright as the fire burning and crackling in their living room, as bright as the moon and the stars currently hiding behind dark, rumbling clouds of rain. Yut-lung looks at his smile and thinks,  _ ah _ ,  _ I’m screwed _ .

Yut-lung doesn’t leave until the next morning.

  
  
  


Of course, it starts way before that.

Yut-lung doesn’t know exactly when. Maybe it was the first time Eiji took his hand, when he looked Yut-lung in the eye and thanked him for taking care of Sing. Maybe it was the first time Yut-lung saw Eiji laugh, the curve of his mouth highlighted by the light of the street lamps outside where Sing almost trips on nothing. Maybe it was the first time Eiji hugged him, loose and short and free of any expectations.

It doesn’t really matter.

All that matters is here, now. All that matters is this blazing feeling in his chest that’s replaced the beat of his heart. All that matters is that Yut-lung can’t remember anymore why he ever wanted Eiji dead, when all he can think about now is how he’d do anything for Eiji, anything that Eiji would ask of him.

Somehow, miraculously, what Eiji asks of him isn’t to leave, to die, to never show himself again. Even if it is what he deserves, it isn’t what Eiji wants, because  _ oh _ , of course, even when drowning in grief, Eiji is a better person than Yut-lung could ever hope to be.

Eiji only asks for simple things. He asks that Yut-lung make sure Sing isn’t working himself too hard. He asks that Yut-lung stay over at his and Sing’s apartment when it’s too far into the night and he’d have to wake his driver up to come get him. Maybe Eiji doesn’t know it himself, but with every smile, every touch, every gentle word, he asks Yut-lung to think of another person before himself for once in his life.

He asks Yut-lung to stay, and Yut-lung does, even knowing that his feelings will never be returned beyond their shaky, budding friendship.

  
  
  


Sing finds out. Of course he does.

One night, he sighs as Yut-lung stares at the doorway Eiji just exited through, and he says, “You too, huh?”

Yut-lung’s breath catches. He doesn’t really know what he expects Sing to do, but when he finally forces himself to turn, to look at Sing, he only finds Sing with a small smile playing across his lips, with something in his eyes that Yut-lung sees in the mirror when it’s late at night and he’s feeling lonely, missing someone who has never held him the way he really wants.

“You have it worse than me,” Yut-lung says, and it’s true, in a way. It’s Sing who stays with Eiji every day of every week. It’s Sing who takes the brunt of Eiji’s loneliness, who tries so hard to make sure that Eiji’s okay. It’s Sing who has been here from the start.

But it’s also Sing who has a bigger chance of worming his way into Eiji’s heart.

Ah. Well. Even if he does have a bigger chance, it’s nothing next to the string that connects Eiji’s heart down to the earth where Ash is buried, nothing next to the wooden box full of photos and what little of Eiji’s soul is left.

They’re both losers in a game that has been won long ago, and the only reason they’re both still here is because the finish line has captivated them, consumed them, and it takes hold of their entire beings even now as it sags against the ground, broken in two.

Or maybe that’s too generous. More likely, they’ve never been in the running at all.

It’s fine though. It’s okay. Maybe if it were any other person, Yut-lung would think of himself and walk away, but it’s Eiji that he’s in love with, and Eiji deserves people around him, people who care, who want him to be happy.

Yut-lung isn’t leaving anytime soon, and Sing isn’t either.

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on [twt](http://twitter.com/singeiji)!!


End file.
